Fat Chance Read online

  Fat Chance

  ISBN-13: 978-0-8249-4788-0

  Published by Guideposts

  16 East 34th Street

  New York, New York 10016

  www.guideposts.com

  Copyright © 2009 by Julie Hadden. All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

  Distributed by Ideals Publications, a division of Guideposts

  2636 Elm Hill Pike, Suite 120

  Nashville, Tennessee 37214

  Guideposts and Ideals are registered trademarks of Guideposts.

  This book has been carefully researched, and all efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy of its information as of the date published. The information contained in this book should not be considered a substitute for the advice of a qualified medical professional, who should always be consulted before beginning any new diet, exercise or other health program.

  All of the procedures, poses and postures used in the exercises should be carefully studied and clearly understood before being attempted. The recipes in this book are to be followed exactly as written. The publisher cannot assume responsibility for your specific health or allergy needs. A health professional should advise you on whether the recipes and/or exercises are safe for you and your family.

  A continuation of the copyright page’s acknowledgments is on page 255.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Hadden, Julie.

  Fat chance : losing the weight, gaining my worth / by Julie Hadden.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-0-8249-4788-0

  1. Weight loss. 2. Weight loss—Psychological aspects. 3. Weight loss—Religious aspects.

  I. Title.

  RM222.2.H217 2009

  613.2’5—dc22

  2009021927

  Cover design by Mingovits Design

  Cover and interior photographs by Kelly La Duke

  Interior design by Laura Klynstra

  Typeset by Nancy Tardi

  Printed and bound in the United States of America

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Acknowledgments

  All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

  Scripture quotation on page 31 is taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson.

  Lyrics on page x are from “From the Inside Out.” Words and music by Joel Houston. Copyright © 2005 Joel Houston and Hillsong Publishing (admin. in the United States and Canada by Integrity Worship Music/ASCAP) c/o Integrity Media, Inc., 1000 Cody Road, Mobile, AL 36695. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

  Lyrics on pages 89–90 are from “Believe.” Words and music by Kara DioGuardi and Marti Frederikson. Copyright © 2008 Bug Music Inc. (BMI). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

  Lyrics on pages 98–99 are from “Made Me Glad.” Words and music by Miriam Webster. Copyright © 2001 Miriam Webster and Hillsong Publishing (admin. in the United States and Canada by Integrity Worship Music/ASCAP) c/o Integrity Media, Inc., 1000 Cody Road, Mobile, AL 36695. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

  Lyrics on page 107 are from “Stained Glass Masquerade” written by Mark Hall and Nichole Nordeman. Copyright © 2005 Birdwing Music (ASCAP) Club Zoo Music (BMI) SWECS Music (BMI) Birdboy Songs (ASCAP) My Refuge Music (BMI) (adm. by EMI CMG Publishing). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

  Lyrics on pages 108–109 are from “Gloria” Christy Nockels/Nathan Nockels. © 1997 Sweater Weather Music (Admin. by Word Music, LLC), Rocketown Music, LLC (Admin. by Word Music, LLC), Word Music, LLC. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

  Lyrics on page 109 are from “He’ll Find a Way” written by Donna Douglas. Copyright © 1987 C.A. Music (div. of C.A. Records, Inc.). All rights reserved. ASCAP. Used by permission.

  Lyrics on page 154 are from “The Real Me.” Copyright © 2008 Something Distant Music. Used by permission.

  For Michael.

  Although my size changed many times, your love for me did not.

  You’re the greatest God-given gift I will ever receive.

  CONTENTS

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  FOREWORD Choose to Bet on You by Jillian Michaels

  PART ONE Moment of Recognition: Something’s Got to Give

  Chapter 1. From “Why Me?” to “Why Not Me?”

  MY BEST ADVICE Determine the Source of Your Strength

  Chapter 2. What Fat Stole from Me

  MY BEST ADVICE Surround Yourself with Positive Influences

  Chapter 3. Weight That We All Carry

  MY BEST ADVICE Move More and Eat Less

  PART TWO Jell-O Bones and a Bucket of Tears: My Surreal Existence on Reality TV

  Chapter 4. The Terrifying, Tumultuous Trip toward Thin

  MY BEST ADVICE Start Now!

  Chapter 5. Psychology 101 and The Biggest Loser Campus

  MY BEST ADVICE Find an Inspiring Image and Focus on It Every Day

  Chapter 6. The Spiritual Side of My Weight-Loss Struggle

  MY BEST ADVICE Set Small, Achievable Goals, and When You Reach Them, Celebrate!

  PART THREE At Home in My Own Skin: Returning to the Old Life I’d Somehow Never Lived

  Chapter 7. Eight Pounds I’m Glad I Gained

  MY BEST ADVICE Make Smart, Simple Choices

  Chapter 8. This Is Me Now

  MY BEST ADVICE Believe That You Are Worth It

  Chapter 9. Dwelling Place

  MY BEST ADVICE Don’t Look at the Big Picture

  Chapter 10. When I Pray, I Pray for You

  AFTERWORD Noah’s Favorite Villain of All

  APPENDIXES

  Sample Workouts

  Foods to Die Live For

  FAQs

  NOTES

  CONTACTING JULIE

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  BIRTH NEVER HAPPENS without pain. But whether it involved my children, my thinner self or this book, the pain has always proven itself worthwhile. Thank you, first and foremost, to my family and friends—two groups that now are hard for me to tell apart. I didn’t truly realize how important you were until I had to live for four months without you. Because of you, I officially have received more phone calls conveying words of encouragement, more hot meals on especially crazy days and more dinky articles cut out of the Putnam County Courier with my name highlighted and clipped to notes bearing sentiments like, “We’re so proud of you!” than a girl could possibly know what to do with. Especially Mom, Gigi, Jenny, Great MaMa, Betty and Dad, thank you for standing in the gap for me—supporting me, encouraging me, praying for me and caring for my child—while I was away, chasing a dream. In a world where people so easily can become consumed with themselves, it’s refreshing to know that good souls like you have my back.

  Noah and Jaxon, you remain my primary source of inspiration for sticking with the changes I started two years ago. I count it an honor to be your mom and pray that you enjoy the happy, healthy life I’ve discovered—for many years to come.

  I could talk about Jillian Michaels for days on end, but when it comes to summing up her value to me in a small block of text, there simply are no words. How do you thank someone who believes in you when nobody else will, who invests in you when you aren’t even investing in yourself and who celebrates the most microscopic progress as though you’ve already met your goal? Thank you seems so inadequate, Jillian. But thank you is all I’ve g
ot.

  Rachelle Gardner saw my book proposal fly across her desk and was gracious enough to catch it midair. I still don’t know how that proposal made it to you, Rachelle, but I do know that God’s grace was involved. You are a terrific literary agent, creative champion and friend. Thank you for channeling your interest and energies my way.

  There’s no greater gift for a first-time author than to be introduced to a collaborator who genuinely cares about the finished product as much as you do, and Ashley Wiersma was exactly that gift. Thanks, Ash, for persisting in this process with me, for loving me as you learned my story and for believing that this book really could help change a few lives. A girl couldn’t ask for a better alter ego than you.

  To the NBC, Reveille and 3 Ball Productions families, thank you for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime on one of the greatest shows our generation knows. Mark Koops, J. D. Roth and Dave Broom—the inventiveness and approachability you three possess are a rare and beautiful combination. I count it pure joy to be in your orbit.

  It has been a privilege to publish with the team at Guideposts. Linda Cunningham and Rebecca Maker, thank you for finding value in my story and for encouraging me to share it.

  Season 4 black-team members, I owe you a debt of gratitude I will never be able to repay. Together we were cast and then outcast and then able to do what nobody thought could be done. Bill and Jim, the brothers I never had; Jez, my soul-twin, separated at birth; Isabeau, my bossy little sister; and Hollie, the one I still talk to until long into the night—you five friends are family whom I love with no holds barred.

  Lastly, I feel grateful to my God. I was singing a praise song one day and realized that the lyrics perfectly capture what I want to say to him about this agonizingly wonderful book-writing debut.

  To my everlasting Father, whose light will shine when all else fades, never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame,

  and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

  from the inside out

  FOREWORD

  Choose to Bet on You

  BY JILLIAN MICHAELS

  I’VE BEEN AN adrenaline junkie my entire adult life, and one of my favorite rush-inducing pleasures is racing motorcycles. I’m no pro, but I do follow the pros. And a guy who caught my attention more than a decade ago is Valentino Rossi, one of the most successful racers of all time.

  Nearly one hundred race-wins before the age of thirty—the guy was incredible, but so was his bike. And after he claimed back-to-back Grand Prix championships a few years ago, skeptics began to wonder how much of Rossi’s success was due to sheer talent and how much was due to the ride. So, in a move that surprised fans and critics alike, he switched bikes. Rossi let his contract with Honda expire and signed with rival manufacturer Yamaha, maker of an undeniably inferior machine.

  Talk about going all-in on a highly unlikely bet.

  When Julie Hadden showed up on The Biggest Loser, I was unimpressed, to say the least. She was smaller than the other contestants. She cried all the time. And she lost a grand total of two pounds her first week on the show. I’ll just give this poor girl a few helpful hints, I thought, and put her back on a plane headed home.

  But as if reading my mind, Julie did something that probably shocked us both: She actually began to prevail.

  People often ask me what it takes to make it through an abrasive, aggressive, confrontational experience like The Biggest Loser, and my answer’s always the same: courage—and a lot of it. If you want to change your life, you have to first be brave enough to face the truth of who you are, brave enough to look deep inside, to take responsibility for what you find there, to stop behaving like the victim you believe yourself to be and to learn to use your faculties for something other than absolute self-destruction.

  As I trained Julie those first few times, I saw the courage of a champion peeking through. She did not whine, she did not complain, she did not stop and she did not quit. As stronger contestants unraveled, it was Julie who kept pushing through.

  Some judge of character I am, right?

  Early into the season, after an especially tortuous workout one morning, I pulled aside a very sweaty Julie, looked intently into her eyes and told her the story of Valentino Rossi. “It wasn’t about the bike,” I explained. “His victories came because he was well-made. And although anybody in a right mind would tell me to bet on the bigger, stronger guys on this campus, I’m choosing to bet on you, Julie. You’re my Yamaha.”

  For four months straight, Julie endured the worst that my beatings could offer a girl and emerged a woman who knew her own strength. What was flabby became firm. What was slow became fast. What was timid became brave. And nothing could hold her back now.

  The two years following his very bold move, Valentino Rossi would capture back-to-back Grand Prix titles—and do it, unbelievably, on a Yamaha. After his victory lap on Valencia’s course in Spain, Rossi swung himself off his bike, fell to his knees and planted a kiss on the track. Funny how I witnessed a similar reaction from a thirty-something stay-at-home mom while she was netting a victory of her own. Several weeks before the finale, overcome by the joy that accompanies finding courage she didn’t know she had, Julie Hadden fell to her knees and kissed the scale that in the end would declare her a full 45 percent thinner than she’d been.

  Back at the finale, as she sobbed her way toward an ear-to-ear smile, I shook my head in absolute admiration of the “too-small, too-weak” girl who’d proven her critics dead wrong. It was a picture of courage personified that I’ll remember for a long, long time.

  I’m a firm believer in the idea that you can build courage in the same way you build physical strength. While most fat people can’t curl twenty-pound weights their first day in the gym, a few weeks into their regimen, you wouldn’t believe how their capabilities have changed. In the same way, even those who are utterly paralyzed by panic and fear will one day emerge victorious and strong, if they suck it up and do the work that transformation demands.

  The process played out for me starting in my early teens. I was in desperate need of a catalyst and a motivator, of an educator and an encourager, when I got all of that and much more. A martial-arts instructor stepped into my life, and despite my hefty weight, my cavernous wounds and my wavering self-esteem, he bet on me to win. It was a vote of confidence that propelled me into the soul-level passion for fitness I’ve been thriving on ever since.

  If you’re in need of an advocate who will cheer you on toward change, I’ve got just the one for you. Let Julie—and her compelling book, Fat Chance—inspire you and change you and draw out your courage. You are worth the life you long to live. You are capable of bringing it to pass. And the time has come for you to finally bet on you to win.

  Part One

  Moment of Recognition:

  Something’s Got to Give

  CHAPTER 1

  From “Why Me?” to “Why Not Me?”

  YOU KNOW YOU’RE FAT when you wake up one morning and find that your gargantuan breasts have somehow merged with your double chin to form a mountain of flesh that is completely blocking your line of sight to the alarm clock. That oh-so-suffocating day dawned for me in March 2007, just thirty days before I hoped to be cast for Season 4 of the reality TV show, The Biggest Loser. “For the love! This is ridiculous,” I thought as I struggled to part the great divide and find the time.

  My mind raced as I took in the neon numbers staring back at me. “Ten o’clock? Noah is going to be so late for school.” But as suddenly as it had appeared, my panic dissipated into peace as the familiar smell of cinnamon rolls wafted underneath the closed bedroom door. Ah, Saturday. My husband Mike had let me sleep in, bless his soul.

  For quite some time I hadn’t been sleeping well, but the previous night had broken all records for insomnia; I was restless every single hour. I’d been struggling with the general aches and pains associated with being obese, but the little stuff of being overweight was now becoming big stuff—simple things like brea
thing were becoming increasingly difficult. And I assumed that if I made the show, at some point I’d need to breathe.

  As I lay flat on my back that morning and tried in vain to catch my breath, I looked down at my puffed-up hands and wiggled my fingers—ten little sausages in their casings. The rest of me was no better off. My arms, my hips, my legs, my feet—every part of me felt stretched to its limit, tender and achy and numb. It was an all-over hurt I was experiencing, like the hurt after a car wreck. Truly, I thought, as if realizing it for the very first time, something has got to give.

  For a split second, I thought back to the documentaries I’d seen on TV where emergency workers who were trying to remove severely overweight people from their bedrooms had to cut a giant hole in a wall and pluck them out with a cherry picker or hoist them up with the same contraption that is used to lift a whale. I cut my eyes toward the bedroom window and exhaled a sigh of relief when I saw no EMTs standing outside.

  I rolled over to my side, my big belly gurgling as it shifted and flopped down onto the mattress as though it were a separate entity entirely and thought, “Seriously. I am big!” It should have concerned me that despite these all-too-real reminders that my size had gotten out of control, I continued to fantasize about those cinnamon rolls. But still I made my way to the kitchen, an addict in search of her fix.

  FAT-CAMP DREAMS AND TWINKIE WISHES

  Having a cinnamon-roll addiction doesn’t exactly contribute to a figure that’s svelte. I’d ballooned to more than two hundred pounds by the time I auditioned for The Biggest Loser, but interestingly, at five-feet-two-inches tall I remained the smallest person in the running for the cast that season. The irony wasn’t lost on me, the one who always had been the Large Marge in the room.